six months.

waiting for eternity, by my father gerald folkerts

i've been thinking a lot about something
that nicole from
my teacups in peony wrote awhile ago.
her dad had been hospitalized and she wrote this to her readers:

"this blog is mine.
i choose what i share, and what i don't.
at times it's personal
and at times it's just a place for me to share pretty pictures.
sometimes it's scary for me to put so much out there in the open,
but the way i see it, it's a place for me to open my heart,
and will later be a place for me to look back on the journey i've made..."

on this november 30th, i have to choose what i share and what i don't.
i could very well ramble on about my weekend

or the exciting plane tickets i booked today...

{more on that later!}

but it would seem trivial and superficial,

to me at least.

today marks a pretty rough anniversary for my family.
six months ago today

{may 30th, 2009}
my dad passed away from a cancerous brain tumour.

he was diagnosed with the inoperable cancerous tumour
last september 08.
the tumour was unresponsive to radiation + chemo treatment,

and he passed away nine months later.

while i would have unquestionably stated that
last year was the worst year of my life

{palliative care nurses + ambulances + elevated insulin levels
+ personality changes + hair loss + medsmedsmeds + walkers + hospitals}

i have to say that
not having my dad around is just as hard as him being sick

if not harder.

i was always exceptionally close to him.
he was my inspiration-
an amazing artist who quit teaching to pursue his art full time,

despite the obvious financial consequences.

he was passionate, funny, compassionate, kind, creative,

and the most loving dad i could have ever asked for.

i valued his opinion and advice above anyone else's
+ don't know how i'm going to live the rest of my life without it.

i miss him so much every single day... my dad + me circa 1997
oh yes! we had a painted van. see what i mean about creative??
my beautiful family soon after my dad's diagnosis - september 2008love you forever dad...
love, janis


  1. i can't even imagine...
    he seems like an amazing & fun person! i know you'll see him again :)

  2. janis, this is so beautiul. you really are an inspiration, how brave and strong you've been.

    i love you

  3. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Your father sounds like a wonderful loving man. I bet he was so proud of you. *hug*

  4. This is heartbreaking. I'm really sorry to hear about your loss, I can't imagine going through that. But you are amazingly strong and I'm sure your dad knew it and was incredibly proud of his little girl.

  5. Janis,
    Thank you so for sharing this beautiful tribute to your father. I'm so sorry for your loss.

  6. thank you so much for sharing this with us. i'm sorry for your loss. your father sounds like such a great person and it looks like you have so many great memories of him!

  7. this gave me goosebumps.
    i am so sorry for your loss and am so thankful for you sharing your sadness with us, whilst it is clear that your dad has inspired you throughout your life.
    beautiful pictures and memories

  8. I'm so so sorry to hear about your dad. What a truly upsetting year for you & your family. Your dad sounded so wonderful - what lovely photos and memories you have. His 'waiting for eternity' is a stunning piece. Thank you for sharing this with us.

    Hugs from across the water xx

  9. i am so sorry for your tragic loss. i cannot even imagine... he looks like an amazing person. xoxo

  10. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.

    There is an amazing quote etched in stone near my house, that says "Grief isn't forever, but love is". I think it's my favourite quote.


  11. I am very touched reading this. Your dad is a wonderful man.

    He must be so proud of you, just like you are of him. You are gonna carry on his and your dream and inspiration together so well.


  12. this is why i need a personal jet. because id be on a flight to come give you a huge hug. going through what i went through, i can only imagine the pain your feeling. there's something about our fathers that make them hold such a close spot in our hearts. i held my dad on a pedistol for so long, thinking nothing could ever happen. our dads are just superheros in our eyes. im so sorry hun, if you ever need anyone to talk to im here. those pictures are lovely and your dad sounds like the most wonderful person. love.

  13. I'm so sorry about your Dad love but thank you so much for sharing x

  14. there are no words....

    this touched my heart.

    a beautiful tribute from a daughter to the dad she clearly adored.

  15. It is really beautiful Janis. SO beautiful I can't stop crying...

    He is sure so proud of you.

  16. +j. i have to echo what sarah said. you are SO strong! i think of your dad sometimes and smile. i see a lot of what i knew about him in you darling! i'm always here for you if you need anything, ok?

  17. janis,

    First of all, I just want to say how much I love reading your blog - your images and words are so meaningful! Also, I want to thank you for your lovely comments on my own blog. They mean so much!

    I know sharing this must of been incredibly difficult. You perhaps wondered if you should write about it and probably what writing about it on your blog would mean - but I am so thankful that you did.

    I can't imagine what losing a parent is like but my heart goes out to you because I love my parents so much and so blessed with all they have given me. Your words only make me love them even more and make me want to tell them every day.

    I'm sure your dad is always with you always for a bond like that stands the test of time, outlasting all matters of our humanity.

    Much love,


  18. Janis - I couldn't even imagine going through this pain. You and your family are very brave. Thank you for sharing your fond and beautiful memories with us; he sounded like he possessed a very fun and positive spirit!

  19. Oh Janis. I don't know what to say. All I can think is how you are just so brave. I can't imagine how it must feel. There really aren't any words. This was beautiful though, so so beautiful. I'm wishing you all the best thoughts. Love, Emily

  20. Oh Janis, what a hard past year you've been through, I'm so sorry. Thank you for trusting us enough to share this and honour your father's creative spirit. Thinking of you at this time.

  21. forgot to give you big blogger hugs, *Big HUGS*

  22. Thank you for sharing that. I sometimes imagine how it would feel like to lose my father, or my mother. It is hard just to imagine how it would be.

    I think you are strong, open, and so lucky to have had a father like him. He was a beautiful man, don't you think?

    Have a December.

  23. Janis, I'm so sorry for your loss! I know this must be a very hard time for you. I'm so glad you've decided to open up and share your heart on this though. I think it's important to have a place to do that.

  24. I am so sorry to hear that. How strong of you to share it, and to keep going like you seem to be doing. You seem to have been blessed with a wonderful father. I admire your strength.
    Much love,

  25. This post made me tear up a little - what a beautiful tribute to a fantastic dad!
    (Sending a big hug to you!)

  26. How terrible that you cant see him again, but it looks like you had great times together!! Love the van, i have always dreamts of something like that!

  27. the truly great spawn the truly great...
    it's how come you are the way you are.
    i still remember exactly where i was when i got the e-mail about your dad...my heart sunk like a rock the size of texas.

    i love you janis. you and your strong heart.
    dani. xo.


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