my suitcase heart: my dad

waiting for eternity, by my father gerald folkerts

i've been thinking a lot about something
that nicole from my teacups in peony wrote awhile ago.
her dad had been hospitalized and she wrote this to her readers:

"this blog is mine.

i choose what i share, and what i don't.

at times it's personal
and at times it's just a place for me to share pretty pictures.

sometimes it's scary for me to put so much out there in the open,

but the way i see it, it's a place for me to open my heart,
and will later be a place for me to look back on the journey i've made..."

on this november 30th, i have to choose what i share and what i don't.
i could very well ramble on about my weekend
or the exciting plane tickets i booked today...
{more on that later!}
but it would seem trivial and superficial,
to me at least.

today marks a pretty rough anniversary for my family.
six months ago today
{may 30th, 2009}
my dad passed away from a cancerous brain tumour.

he was diagnosed with the inoperable cancerous tumour last september 08.
the tumour was unresponsive to radiation + chemo treatment,
and he passed away nine months later.

while i would have unquestionably stated that
last year was the worst year of my life
{palliative care nurses + ambulances + elevated insulin levels
+ personality changes + hair loss + medsmedsmeds + walkers + hospitals}
i have to say that
not having my dad around is just as hard as him being sick.
if not harder.

i was always exceptionally close to him.
he was my inspiration-
an amazing artist who quit teaching to pursue his art full time,
despite the obvious financial consequences.
he was passionate, funny, compassionate, kind, creative,
and the most loving dad i could have ever asked for.
i valued his opinion and advice above anyone else's
+ don't know how i'm going to live the rest of my life without it.
i miss him so much every single day...